An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun. Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right" Villager: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Villager: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Villager: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Villager: "The sheep's a liar"
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is?" They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise. "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on hisface and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah," says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie."
Two NZ sheep farmers are flying the mob to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground. SH1: "Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!" SH2: "What about the sheep ?!?" SH1: "Bugger the sheep !!!!" SH2: (pause) "Do you think we have time?"
There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at the ranch. He was out of work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his pride, and went to the other ranch in those parts to ask for work--it was a sheep ranch. They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep. The first night he was there, the other cowboys there woke him up. "Get up, boy," they said."It's time for your initiation!" "Initiation! But how bad could it be," he thought to himself. "Afterall, they were a bunch of sheep tenders!" So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other guys lined up waiting. "Go on," they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!" "Huh?" he said. "That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real man." "Oh, no," he thought, "they couldn't possibly want him to..."but then he really needed the job. So he squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind the shed. After a moment, the others were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..." A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants, to see the other guys all laughing at him. "Oh, great," he thought, "now I've really been had." "So, what?" he said, "Was I not supposed do that with the sheep?" "That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly one."
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant. The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day serving the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
_________________ Ducati,making mechanics out of riders since 1946 There's no problem so bad that a little fixing can't make it worse! : ) If it ain't broke keep fixin it till it is 88 750 90 906 92 907ie
|