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now mike, in all seriousness, thats not funny. how about this:
about 20 years old, getting my velocette venom ready for a flying quarter and sprint meet. i took every thing off it, leaving just the wheels, motor with magneto, petrol tank, oil tank, seat, and straight through pipe. it was about 7pm, getting dark outside. and i was watching some guys drinking beer on the sidewalk outside the pub across the road from where i lived. i decided to have a test run to a garage down the road where some mates used to work on jags after hours. i went out and got on the velo, started it up, and eased out onto the road, the straight through pipe making a hell of a noise. the guys outside the pub gave me a cheer. so i gave it a fistful and roared off down the road. i changed into second at about 60 mph (close ratio box). thats funny, i thought to myself, the revs didnt drop when i pulled in the clutch. i was now doing about 70mph down the middle of the road, between cars travelling, a lot slower, in both directions. it was quite dark, and i had no lights. i realised the slide was stuck in the top of the carb, because nothing happened when i closed the throttle. i just kept accelerating. at this stage i was doing about 80 mph down the narrow road between cars moving in opposite directions in the dark, and i had no lights. i could see the cars, but could they see me? now, there was no ignition switch, because there was no wiring. just an HT lead from the magneto to the plug, and you dont touch an HT lead from a magneto doing six thousand revs while trying to control a runnaway motorcycle with no lights, dodging cars in the dark, if you like living. of course it was starting to look like i might not be doing that for much longer anyway, but i tried to think of something else. i decided not to change into third, even though i was now doing almost 90mph. i pulled in the exhaust valve lifter (compression release). very little effect at six thousand revs. putting on the brakes while accelerating at maximum power seemed a little unwise, or at least too complicated for me at the time. i decided to try steering with one hand, the left one, even though this made it more difficult to avoid the cars, because with that one i could pull in the valve lifter at the same time, and with the other hand i reached down between my legs, feeling for the carburettor bell mouth. with my hand over the bell mouth and pulling on the valve lifter was able to slow my progress, and at the same time avoid the cars. i remember coming to a stop, but i dont remember anything else of that evening.
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